hi Gogs,

i am pleased you had a good GP appointment earlier in the week .. i know how important they are to me, he is always the one i run to first. i have known him since my daughter was little and his son and my daughter played together ahhh such a long time ago.

glad you are not quite so in that black hole, but i understand your feeling of being near the edge.

i wonder if you will be able to overcome the anger you are feeling at having this awful condition along with your others, because it would be such a shame if you can't. i know life has dealt you a lot of rotten blows with your husband and son too, that would be the thing that i think i would feel angry with. hopefully you can get into a better place RA wise if you do decide to carry on with the meds, i know the meds have come on such a long way from 20 years or so ago .. i didn't think i would ever get there having taken 18 months. but my main disability is having Osteo in both knee's which make's me wheelchair bound for any distance, and no i have decided i can't face knee replacements as i manage OK, i can potter in and around my house and get into local shops, doctors, hairdressers etc. on my own .. it's any more and the wheelchair is needed. when i had to make the choice of the wheelchair it was a terrible thing to come to terms with and i think my hubby thought i was giving up!! this was pre RA days, but he came along with me to my wonderful GP and after long discussion he realised it was the best option for me as i just couldn't face any major ops, and my GP agreed knee replacements don't always work well, i'm really pleased for those that have had them on here and all worked out well but have decided not for me, i had to have a hysterectomy in 2007 there was no choice there .. got diagnosed and op was done within 3 weeks and all fine, but the state i was in i really can't describe.

sorry am rambling now, actually feeling quite melancholy this morning for some reason typing this, just thought sharing might help, i hope so.

glad you have got a lovely new OT lady, that i hope brings you some joy, and i hope the other new contacts come back to you soon.

hope your GP appointment can give you the info needed re your neck problem on Monday .. and that somehow you can get some inner peace which we all deserve.

also was wondering if your appetite had improved?

take care of yourself Gogs,
Suzanne xxx

More gentle hugs from to you all
Anne

Ah, so you're a singer? Me too - Hexham Orpheus Choir. And actually the choir are really supportive. They know that (like last term) I may suddenly have to bail out of the performance if I have a flare. The biggest problems are holding a sometimes heavy copy and all the stands / sits!

It's your choice but when I was feeling low and unable to do much I set myself a goal of al least attending rehearsals even if I could not manage the actual performance. And I bought myself a good music stand so that I could take the weight off my hands. Depending on the venue and the choir seating plan I have even been able to use the stand during performances.

Singing is good for the soul and is also a very good form of exercise.

What do you think? Are you up for it?

Hi Gogs

I was reading about you singing and buying the jeans and the photography - go you and quite right too.

I hope you get some sort of solution on Monday with your GP with regards to your neck and show them what photographs etc you need to.

Take care

Lisa xx

Again, thank you everyone,

Dear Fiona - you write the most amazing and sensitive responses, I so appreciate the way you pick out
such lovely comments about aspects of a persons writing - you too have a gift for writing!

Hi Paul - will give it a bit of thought re choir. The problem of being in the 'pit' is that you become very
sensitive to the remarks and responses of others, now, although I am unlikely to say anything some of
those remarks can wound deeply and that wouldn't help me at present, hence the avoidance behaviour.

Ailsa - I have just replied to your horror story in chinwag, I'm so sorry for you, yet here you are supporting me!
I'm from Cheadle, Cheshire.

Thanks Lisa - the jeans really pleased me as I thought they were full price!!!

Hopefully tomorrow there may be some good news about my neck, in the meantime I have started with a 'flare'.
I'd had a viral illness during the past week and guess that might have been a contributory factor.

Gogs

Good luck with the appointment tomorrow Gogs. Thinking of you.

Thanks everyone, will keep you posted.
You've all been amazing to me - big hugs to everyone.

Gogs xxx

2p.m Monday 3rd - Thought I was 'getting there' but found I'd hit the bottom again at breakfast time.
I looked at all the tablets in the pot ready to take and threw them all away. I'm in a place I don't really want to be. I have what is
clearly a 'flare', how bad is it? It's all relative. Why oh why would I throw my drugs away knowing that I have a flare- it's like I am destroying myself bit by bit.

AgeUK called this morning to see if they could be of any service. She was very hopeful that the doctor that came to see Harry and
diagnosed his dementia would be able to help me and would want to see Harry again. She even said that she would probably come again too assess my needs in the caring role.
Truth is I don't want this caring role, my husband has been 'needy' all our married life and now this has increased due to his stroke, selfishly I feel deprived
of care for me

I also know that he can and will be difficult, he will feel that he is being forced to do things he doesn't want. He wants just to sit in his armchair all day,
read his paper and watch TV as an when he wants. He also thinks he's a reasonable man and that the problems are all mine!!

Forgive me for going on but if I tell you what's happening I always seem to get some good ideas from you all.

Gogs x

Hi Gogs

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a down day again. You were going to your GP today - has that happened yet? Because he/she needs to hear all of what you have just said. You clearly need help, your GP is the person to at least coordinate things and so needs to be told.

I understand you issue with the drugs, Sometimes I stare into the pot of pills I have just dispensed and the sheer quantity (16 this morning) is disturbing. But I know they are doing me good, or rather I'd be in a much worse place without them. Have another go maybe? It's bright and sunny here. If it is for you go stand in the sun for a few minutes and let the warmth spread through you and then think about taking the meds some more?